It’s been funny deciding 40’s I was going to live a radical life of truth. Rewinding back to my 40th birthday. After big consideration on my wellbeing, I found myself making the decision to have no contact with my biological mother. This was a decision made with the utmost emotional clarity and love.
What I realised this year was for the first 0-7years I had been raised in Papua New Guinea on a little Island in Port Moresby within the context of community. I was fortunate enough to be raised by my mother’s Aunty. Throughout those first 7 years of my life, she guided me through my big emotions and gave me unconditional love. To this day I am grateful that I absorbed a lot of her beautiful wisdom. She had already birthed 7 of her own children and I was lucky number 8. I was attached to her hip and our bond carries my spirit through this Earth journey everyday.
When I came to Australia January 1991 at the age of 7 my world completely changed. I arrived into a completely new culture, having an emotionally unavailable parent who didn’t see the responsibility it took to raise a child that she had abandoned during those crucial formative years. Instead I had to assimilate quick smart. My survival instincts were switched on from birth, but now it was like as if they were on steroids.
As I turn 41 (tomorrow) with the new moon / solar eclipse in Libra, I’m bewildered at the shift in perspective of my relationships and my relationship with self. More than ever I feel so aligned in who I am and the relationships I share, there is a healthy balance of reciprocity. I feel the decision of letting go of my relationship with my biological mother helped me make room for deeper connection with the relationships I have. It’s surprising to look at the people in my life and having the realisation of how lucky I truly am.
Most of my life my subconscious programming was to people please to be loved, then when I was disappointed in my relationships I would internalise my true feelings with the fear of being abandoned. So, although I had long friendships I feared truly being seen in these friendships. But after cutting ties with my biological mother I see the people around me and I have clarity. I have always been loved 🥰 by the people around me, however how could I truly love myself if I wasn't choosing me.., a duh moment🤦🏻♀️..lol
It’s hilarious in my genius mind last year, I thought I would create sister circles in order to heal my mother wound. So I set out like it was some easy task that I could perform, but in reality replicating authenticity and being authentic is two whole different things. It’s like a whole death of reality of what I perceived it would be and what it actually is… Don’t get me wrong I have loved doing the sister circles, just not in the way I had expected in my minds eye 👁️ .
You see I deeply love relationships (being a Libran Sun) and for me, I love seeing dynamics of relationships. I want the good, bad and the ugly. Ok possibly the raw authentic truth, not ugly 😂😂😂. However, what it has felt like is mechanical parts moving yet the roots feeling shallow. For me personally relationships take time, it’s not something you can fabricate, it is something that has to grow organically, it takes patience and consistency. This is why I love seeing people comeback to our to 1:1sessions, couples Breathwork and community workshops because it allows the relationship to develop and find new meaning, which in turn creates healthy communities, rippling out into society.
Seriously, it’s ironic to think the Universe is constantly Universing on me. To realise as this eclipse closes out in Libra the karmic relationship ties we play out in order to heal. The relationships that are staring you right in the [3rd] eye 👁️. This brings me to the enormous shift in my personal relationship with Mat, because working together means finding ways to communicate and be on each other’s team.
The first year of working together felt more of a personal journey, working through layers of our own conditionings. But 2nd year has felt more like learning the ropes as a team. We have always been a team, but previously our work always took us away from each other. It’s astonishing to be together for so long and suddenly after doing the work consistently, discovering a renewed pot of gold within our relationship, it is truly something I treasure!
It’s crazy how much you can learn about yourself and others just by being curious. This year my perception on relationships have shifted, I am more at home in my body. I value myself deeply and the courage it has taken me to meet myself through the process of ‘unbecoming’ who I thought I was and the false sense of duty that I had attached my identity with! The reality is we are the creators of our lives and the more you have a personal relationship with self the more you awaken to your own magick ✨which in turn allows others the courage to be themselves.
This is why I love Breathwork: the more layers you peel away, the more you listen to the whispers of your heart, the more you open yourself to new ways of being and before you know it, a new reality emerges. Reflecting back, my heart has truly expanded in ways I could never have fathomed. Finally I am embodying what it means to SURRENDER, facing my fear of inadequacy and in return discovering my own depths. For the first time in my life I'm looking at myself with the most loving eyes.
Sending you compassion and much love in your journey towards wholeness and discovering the pieces you thought were broken actually have new meaning, a renewal sense of self.
Big Hugs x
Mish
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